This U.S. presidential election season has been a particularly tough
one for many people. In no way do we want to add to the general sense
of fatigue and frustration many Americans are feeling right now by
advocating for any particular political candidate over another. Trauma,
addiction, and related mental health disorders do not discriminate based
on a person’s political viewpoints and neither do we. So, please do not
read any endorsement, implied or otherwise, into the following
paragraphs, or in our decision to share Mark Hoadley’s article.
Perpetrators of Sexual Assault Need Recovery
The topic of sexual assault has made its way into recent discussions
surrounding the presidential campaigns. As a result, many brave women
and men have taken to social media and other outlets to share their
personal experiences with sexual assault and abuse. By talking openly
about their trauma, the impact it has had on them, and their recovery,
they are giving others the courage and strength they need to come
forward and begin their own recovery journeys.
The significance of this cannot be overstated. Unfortunately, the
sexual assault and abuse victims who do come forward represent only a
small percentage of those who have actually experienced that kind of
trauma; but, as rare as it is for sexual assault victims to come
forward, it can be even more uncommon to hear from the perpetrators of
sexual assault.
That’s what made Mark Hoadley’s
recent essay in the Washington Post
so remarkable to us. In it, he takes full responsibility for an
incident that led to him being accused of sexual assault by a co-worker
and losing his job. He also demonstrates the complex ways that sex
addiction and drug and alcohol addiction can lead to the escalation of
inappropriate and unacceptable sexual behaviors.
Recognizing an Unhealthy Pattern of Addictive Behavior
Like many men who have gotten help for sexual addiction and sexual
compulsivity at Gentle Path at The Meadows, Hoadley was a highly
successful, driven, and talented man:
Five years ago, I was a
26-year-old Harvard graduate working in bond sales in Singapore. I was
earning six figures, living in a million-dollar apartment and generating
business faster than my colleagues.
Underneath it all, however, he struggled with his self-worth and
confidence. He masked his pain and uncertainty by pursuing women and
drinking heavily:
In high school, I was a quiet,
nerdy Catholic boy. I would hide my desire for a girl until she
demonstrated interest. This got me nowhere.
In my early 20s, I started taking more initiative, preferring
rejection to passivity. At college parties and clubs, I would get drunk
and offer alcohol to women who interested me. Then I’d try to endear
myself to them by touching them lightly on the wrist or arm, a strategy
I’d read about in Neil Strauss’s “The Game.” The women I pursued either
said no and I left it at that, or they expressed pleasure and we moved
forward. I got laid quite frequently and had a few short-term
relationships.
The incident that got him fired occurred in an elevator in his office
building as he was on his way to a formal work dinner. He remembered
being drunk and seeing a female co-worker alone in the elevator and
wrapping his arm flirtatiously around her waist. The following day, he
was surprised and frightened when the Human Resources representative
called him into her office to talk about the incident. The woman had
reported that he groped her in the elevator. He couldn’t remember for
certain what had happened. He had been black-out drunk at the time.
Although at first he doubted the woman’s account of the story, in time
he recognized that it was likely that he had touched her
inappropriately, given his pattern of past behaviors.
You Can Stop Unacceptable Sexual Behaviors
Sexual assault and harassment can have a devastating impact on
victims’s feelings of self-worth and their day-to-day lives. One way to
prevent the damage caused by sexual abuse of all kinds is to prevent it
from happening in the first place.
Some men who engage in abusive patterns of behavior can change.
However, they must be willing to take complete responsibility for their
behavior and do the hard emotional work required to alter their
inappropriate pattern of acting out in ways that are damaging to others
as well as themselves.
Hoadley says that by becoming accountable and being honest with himself he was able to heal and change:
I
began to see the pattern in my behavior — that I had so overcompensated
for past shyness that I’d become addicted to pursuing women. I imagined
what it must have been like for my Singaporean colleague: standing in
the elevator as an entitled, older businessman, came too close and
grabbed her. For a moment, I felt her fear and outrage. Then, finally, I
felt disgraced by who I’d become.
…I turned my life upside-down. I quit finance, hired a therapist,
got sober, abstained from sex for three years, developed a daily
spiritual routine, and built a business where I’m working daily to serve
others. I’m thankful for the courage my Singaporean colleague
demonstrated by reporting me. It was a much-needed wake-up call.
If you recognize yourself in Mark Hoadley’s story, let this be your
wake-up call. Once you begin to understand why you can’t seem to stop
pursuing multiple sexual partners, or viewing pornography, or drinking,
or doing drugs—or whatever activities you’ve used to distract yourself
from your pain—and learn better coping and communication skills, you can
become the man you always hoped you could be.
Get Help Today
If your life has gotten out of control due to sex, alcohol, drugs,
depression, anxiety or other behavioral health issues, please give us a
call today. Everything you say to our intake specialists is completely
confidential. They are happy to answer any questions you may have about
our sex addiction programs, which include both inpatient and outpatient
treatment options, and a 5-day Men’s Sexual Recovery intensive workshop.
The number to call for Gentle Path is 866-904-4879.
Also, if you are concerned about your problematic sexual behaviors,
you can take a Comprehensive Sex and Love Addiction Assessment from the
experts at The Center for Healthy Sex. For more information call
866-811-8265.
