Turn Your Weakness into strengths

Once a month, the Workshop team is treated to a consultation from Pia Mellody, the creator of the Survivors workshop treatment model. She makes herself available, both to consult on clinical cases, answer and process questions and to inspire us with her wise adages for the spirituality of recovery. Often, I leave our gatherings with notes in hand to share with my workshop groups.


A recent example of one of these inspirational mini-lectures is the concept of using our character strengths to learn the lessons that our weaknesses present to us. Being human means we are inherently imperfect. Being human also means that we are given opportunity to improve our quality of life. Pia frequently reminds us, “Our strengths don’t make us better-than and our weakness’ don’t make us less-than. We ought to be grateful for our strengths and learn from our weakness”.

We all have weaknesses: Weaknesses of character that show up to remind us of our humanity and imperfection. For most people, weaknesses are a source of personal lack or toxic shame. What we perceive as weaknesses may keep us in a one-down position, or keep us from trying new endeavors, or keep us stuck in seemingly endless despair.

What if we begin to think of our weaknesses as an opportunity to learn important life lessons? Life is about learning, which is an act of spiritual creation. Our short-comings are soul-lessons that encourage us to grow in emotional, mental, ethical and/or spiritual ways. As we strive to become more respectful, thoughtful, balanced and moderate, we enter into an arena of greater awareness about ourselves and the world we live in.

Thankfully, we all have strengths as well. Strengths are gifts. We are given those gifts to help us overcome our short-comings, to learn the lessons of life, and to help ourselves and others in this world. Sadly, some people plead that they haven’t any strengths to be noted. This is a cognitive distortion! EVERYONE is given strengths that encourage us and give us a sense of purpose. As a baby, you probably taught yourself to walk. That is called strength! You have perseverance.

Sometimes we think of our strengths in a much too limited fashion. For example, baking a perfect soufflé requires more abilities than just whipping some eggs. Baking a soufflé requires an amount of focus, a light touch, and diligence. Develop those skills into strengths that will assist you as you address the greater lessons in your life.

How do you discern what your strengths are? To start, make a list of your values. What ethics do you employ? List your interests, what are the best parts of those interests? What about your accomplishments in school, at work, with partnerships, with your family and friends, with hobbies or sports participation? What do those positive thoughts tell you about your strengths?

As with all change, the challenge is to continue, to persevere until it is accomplished. Just keep reminding yourself that you learned to walk; therefore, you can learn life lessons using your gifts to develop more strength. Now, go learn something!

Content Source : Humanity and Imperfection

Religious Families and Addiction Written by Thomas Gagliano, MSW

In order to understand why religious families inadvertently and at times unintentionally create an environment where their children run to addictions rather than God as their coping mechanism, we must first begin by understanding the mindset of a child. When we look back on our childhood, we look back through adult lenses. Since then, we have grown by our maturity and life experiences, which may have distorted the truth of our childhood. Many of us carry messages that tell us we are bad children if we get mad at our parents or disagree with them. This message can have a profound impact on the way the person feels about himself or herself in adulthood. It is important to respect our parents but we can also have different opinions.


A child needs to feel their opinion is important to their parents or the child may feel he or she isn’t important. Validating and acknowledging a child’s feelings is essential if they are to have self-worth. If children are afraid to share their true feelings and doubts in fear of reprisal then who can they trust? All of these messages set up the destructive entitlement that leads to addiction. It’s no coincidence that most addictions begin before the age of 18.


It’s important to understand that all children are egocentric at an early age. When my son was five, I was carrying him down the stairs and I stumbled. I banged my arm against the wall, broke my glasses, and hurt my shoulder while making sure he wasn’t hurt. At the bottom of the stairs, he looked at me and said, “It’s not nice to push little boys down the stairs.” This is the way children think at this age. They believe they are the center of the universe. Even when a parent dies at an early age, the child feels anger toward the deceased parent because they felt abandoned. If a parent works long hours in order to save for life’s expenses, the child may not view it this way. They may believe if they were better children, then the parent would want to spend more time with them. Their brain hasn’t developed enough to view this differently. Regardless of religion, skin color, or socioeconomic status, all children believe the world revolves around them. If the child believes something is more important to the parent than he or she is, then the child will develop animosity and defiance towards whatever it is. This includes religion. Contrarily, if a child feels he or she comes first, then religion does not become the enemy. They will welcome and accept religion as they grow older.

Today, there is a need to increase structure in the family system when raising our children. Unfortunately, too much control will create a child that loses their sense of self. In many religious families, parents use control as a mechanism to mold their children into who they want them to be. They forget that children need to feel understood for their beliefs and fears, as well as loved unconditionally, in order to want to be religious rather than feel they need to be religious as the way to receive their parent’s love. Read More…

Content Source: Families and Addiction

Ashley Madison: Anonymous No More

On Monday, it was announced on Verge.com that the names of 37 million users of AshleyMadison.com, a site which provides users with partners for casual sex, are in the hands of a hacker who threatens the list’s release to the general public. One can only imagine the terror in many a mind today. What if the hacker’s demands are not met? What if my significant other finds out?

If 37 million people wake up tomorrow to their worst nightmare, and innumerable secret cats are let out of their secret bags, some of us may be surprised at who is on that list. Social media apps have proven to be exceedingly useful for many purposes, such as generating grassroots financial support for outstanding social causes, but have also proven effective at increasing the anonymity of and ease of access to sexual and emotional affairs, resulting in immeasurable pain to significant others and children.

Progressive treatment of sexual addiction is adapting to the technological changes in our society and addressing the ways that those are abused by those who are sexually acting out.

Is Cheating Linked to Sex Addiction?

A significant number of people seeking treatment for sexual addiction report being involved in multiple affairs outside of their primary relationship. How can you distinguish a cheater with sexual addiction from a “normal” cheater? Sex addicts may engage in affairs to produce an intensely pleasurable rush or high – a feeling that becomes addictive in a way that is similar to the high produced by addictive drugs or alcohol. Some signs include…

• spending excessive time being sexual with the affair partner,
• having excessive mental obsession about the relationship,
• being unable to stop the affair despite a desire to stop, and
• being unable to stop despite financial, physical, emotional, social, or family problems that occur as a result of the affair.

A hallmark sign of sex addiction is the need to continually escalate the intensity or risk associated with infidelity in order to achieve the same high. This could include a pattern of serial or concurrent multiple affairs that could amount to hundreds over the lifespan of the addiction. It could also drive the addict to engage in infidelity with close friends, co-workers or even employees, increasing the risk of getting caught.

Are You Tired of Living a Double Life?

Most often, these affairs are secretive and necessitate the constant upkeep of the appearance of normalcy on the part of the addict. How does a person maintain this kind of double life? Often, only through extreme effort. It is a juggling act for many. Lies. Half-truths. Excuses. “I forget, who did I tell that information to?” Which person knows what? Invented meetings, invented vacations, fake business trips, “working late,” separate banking accounts, separate houses, and secret email or social media accounts ─ all are examples of strategies sometimes used to hide the double life. Keeping it all straight is mentally exhausting.

Maintaining this kind of double life would likely take an emotional toll on any normal person, but for cheaters with sexual addiction, who experience persistent inability to stop the affairs despite their desire to stop, the shame and guilt can be overwhelming. Many times this resulting shame and guilt serve to fuel the cycle of addiction as the addict attempts to overcome negative emotions by seeking new sexual distractions, such as starting another affair. Being in an empathetic (shame reducing) yet challenging (behavior changing) therapeutic treatment setting designed for treating sexual addiction is often the only way that sex addicts with chronic infidelity are able to break this cycle. Treatment of sexual addiction is quickly adapting to the technological changes in our society to help addicts stop this destructive behavior and allow families begin the healing process.

We can help. Call 866-209-8350.
Notes:

1 Carnes, P. J., Hopkins, T. A., & Green, B. A. (2014). Clinical relevance of the proposed sexual addiction diagnostic criteria:
Relation to the Sexual Addiction Screening Test-Revised. Journal Of Addiction Medicine, 8(6), 450-461.
doi:10.1097/ADM.0000000000000080.

2 Carnes, P. J. (1991). Don’t call it love, recovery from sexual addiction. New York, NY: Bantam Dell Publishing Group.

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Repeated Exposure to Porn in Childhood Increases Risk of Sex Addiction

By Joe Turner
In a world which is becoming increasingly reliant on the internet, exposure to the explicit sexual content lurking in its dark corner is inevitable. The fact that we have a world of information at our fingertips is as harmful as it is useful, especially to curious youngsters who are just beginning to become aware of their sexuality.

Recent studies have found that a person’s first exposure to pornography happens at around age 11, with 93 percent of boys and 62 percent of girls being exposed to explicit materials before the age of 18. Studies also show that the young adult demographic regularly views pornography. Around 66 percent of young men and 18 percent of young women consume adult materials a minimum of once per week—likely more.

These statistics are strikingly different from previous years; a fact we can attribute to the modern accessibility of online pornography. No longer are adult materials only available on top shelves of grocery stores or in the back rooms of video stores; instead, they are only a few clicks away. Furthermore, it is not only the nudity associated with magazines like Playboy that is readily available online, but also depictions of explicit sexual acts.

Countless personal accounts have stated that early exposure to pornography on a brain which isn’t sexually mature can have crippling effects. Two-thirds of college students have stated that they feel that watching porn can be a healthy way of “exploring their sexuality.” But, what many don’t realize is that these can have a powerful, subconscious, neurobiological effect on their brains.

How Porn Hot-Wires the Brain

Pornography is highly addictive for a number of reasons. First, sexual arousal (from pornography or other sources) releases multiple chemicals into the brain, most notably dopamine and endorphins. These chemicals provide a sense of pleasure, craving, and a powerful emotional high on which one can become dependent. Additionally, oxytocin and vasopressin are fed to the brain; chemicals which “bind” a person’s sexual desire to the object which provided their stimulation.

This process is ideal when one engages in sexual activity with their partner. When we experience these highs as a pair then come to relate one another with the pleasurable experience over time, we begin to form a natural bond.
However, regular pornography viewing “hot-wires” this process. Instead of forming a connection to a person, the connection is formed to the act of viewing porn. Your brain recalls how and where this high was achieved, so whenever you desire sexual release, your brain itches for pornography again.

Furthermore, pornography provides an abnormal amount of dopamine to the brain; significantly more than sexual intercourse provides. When the dopamine surge subsides, the brain craves the same amount of dopamine it had taken previously to achieve the high. However, it becomes more difficult to reach the required levels without seeking out more intense pornography. This means that the viewing of “ordinary” sexual acts begins to fail to produce the same high, forcing the viewer to become involved in an endless cycle of acquiring more and more extreme pornographic material.

These skewed expectations of sexual pleasure can lead to various problems, especially at such a young age. At a time in one’s life when a person is not mentally developed enough to understand that pornography is not representative of reality, this ‘normalizes’ pornography into being the default. There are also multiple peer-related factors which lead young adults to perceive pornography as “normal.” (i.e., “everyone is doing it in pornography, therefore this must be what normal sex/relationships are like.”) It also creates an exaggerated perception of how much promiscuous sexual activity takes place in reality.

Pornography’s Impact on Young Adult Relationships

When a young adult who has been exposed to intense pornography eventually matures to the point that they want to begin dating romantically and forming romantic attachments to people, their preconceptions about what such relationships entail will likely be entirely distorted.
Pornography rarely depicts any kind of meaningful relationship as a pre-condition to sex. It reduces relationships down its primal form: sexual activity without any kind of emotional connection. This can cause:

• The belief that sexual promiscuity is commonplace.
• A lack of interest in remaining monogamous with one partner.
• Sexual objectification of people or persons.
• Increased normalization of inappropriate or dangerous sexual behaviors (and to some extent, even illegal sexual behaviors).

Studies have further shown that excessive pornography use among young adults has a direct correlation with loneliness and depression.

Over the next several years, those born around the millennium will bridge into adulthood. We are already seeing the “millennial crisis” as many young adults are ill-equipped to deal with reality due to them having unrealistic expectations of adult living; much of which has been brought on by vicariously living via social media.

This is another form of skewed perception through online sensationalism, and romantic relationships will play out very similarly. When they are unable to form a romantic attachment to someone because they are unaware of their pre-conceptions of relationships, they will revert back to pornography due to its ease of access, lack of demands, and the emotional release it provides. This then yields feelings of loneliness, as all they will have to rely on for fulfillment is visual images of a computer.

There is also a direct correlation between excessive pornography viewing and low self-esteem. When viewing pornography, the viewer will subconsciously place themselves into the ‘beta’ role, while placing the on-screen actors as the ‘alpha’. Over time, the viewer will feel conditioned to believe themselves permanently in the ‘beta’ role (Note: this is relevant to both genders).

Signs of Sex or Porn Addiction in Young Adults

Suffering from an addiction to porn or sex is not always obvious—in fact, quite the opposite. Addicts often become desensitized to their symptoms. However, there are some major indicators to be aware of.

• Do your actions negatively affect your life in any way? (If porn usage or sex stops you from working, meeting friends, hitting deadlines, meeting appointments, losing a job, lying about your whereabouts – then it’s a cause for concern.)
• Has watching porn ever affected a personal relationship?  
• Do you ever continue viewing porn in spite of realization of consequences?
• Do you ever feel ashamed or guilty of looking at pornography?
• Do you often need to increase the intensity of it in order to achieve your desired outcome?
• Have you tried to cut down on pornography and failed to be able to do so?

These are all symptoms of an over-reliance on pornography or sex. If any of these situations resonate with you, then please address your issues accordingly.
It is important to remember that sex is a part of everyday life and is completely natural for young adults to be curious and to experiment. However, in order to develop a healthy sexuality, it is necessary for young adults to be equipped with knowledge, context, and understanding so as not to create a distorted need for sex, and an inability to create and maintain real intimacy.

Sex Addiction Treatment for Young Adult Men

Sexual behaviors can become particularly problematic for young men of the ages 18 – 25, frequently without them realizing it has occurred. Several factors come into play during this stage of life that can make identifying and treating the condition in this age group unique.

At Gentle Path at The Meadows, our expert staff is trained to help people overcome their sexual addiction and treat underlying conditions that can fuel sexual issues. Clinical evidence suggests that additional factors such as alcohol and substance abuse, eating disorders and financial disorders often accompany — and exacerbate — sexual addiction. Gentle Path at The Meadows has the expertise to address core trauma that drives the addictive disorders as well as treat patients with cross addictions. Call 866-531-8912 to find out how we can help.


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Sexual Addiction and Sexual Anorexia: Two Sides of the Same Coin?

By Crystal Nesfield, Trauma Therapist, Willow House at The Meadows

While the impact of sexual addiction is becoming more widely understood, and treatment for sexual addiction more widely available, the issues associated with sexual anorexia are often overlooked.

Sexual anorexia is a compulsive avoidance of giving or receiving social, sexual, or emotional nourishment. This is much like a food anorexia, in which a person refuses all nourishment through food, but instead of refusing food, people with sexual anorexia refuse to fulfill their need for intimacy. 

 

Sexual anorexia and sexual addiction could be considered to be on opposite ends of the same spectrum. On one end of the spectrum, a person is sexually binging, while on the other end, a person is sexually restricting. However, the two are actually very similar in some ways. Both conditions can lead the person to experience powerlessness over their behaviors, and consequences for their behaviors and both can impact every aspect of a person’s life. Additionally, both conditions share the tendency for the person to have obsessive thoughts about sex. A person with sexual anorexia has obsessive thinking around the avoidance of sex and intimacy. A person with a sexual addiction has obsessive thoughts around obtaining sexual gratification.

A person with sexual anorexia may experience an uncontrollable need to avoid sexual behaviors at all costs. This often leads to self-destructive patterns and negative impacts on their relationships. A person with sexual anorexia may experience depression, restlessness, irritability or anxiety when engaging in sexual contact, or when faced with the possibility of engaging in an intimate relationship. Interestingly, however, the person with sexual addiction often faces the same emotional consequences when abstaining from sexual contact. And both the person who is compulsively engaging in sexual behavior and the person who is compulsively avoiding sexual behavior may have rigid or judgmental beliefs about their sexuality that they attempt to overcome through their behaviors.

Also, both sexual anorexia and sexual addiction can have similar origins. Either condition can manifest in a person who has grown up in an environment where sex was believed to be shameful, and/or where they experienced sexual abuse or exploitation. Many types of trauma also often lead to distorted beliefs pertaining to sex. Both people with sexual addiction and people with sexual anorexia may be attempting to control unresolved trauma or uncontrolled feelings by either bingeing on sexual behaviors or depriving themselves of intimacy.

By abstaining from intimate relationships and isolating themselves, a person with sexual anorexia is attempting to protect themselves from further harm. This person may go to extreme lengths to avoid relationships. This could include self-mutilation or adjusting their appearance. A person with sexual addiction may go to extreme lengths to engage in sexual behaviors, such as exposure to disease or bodily harm.

With both sexual addiction and sexual anorexia, a person has difficulty forming healthy, intimate relationships, and both feature symptoms of a deeper issue the person may be experiencing and need to be addressed through the appropriate treatment. This may include attending a 12-step meeting focusing on compulsive sexual behaviors, such as SLAA or SAA, and working with a qualified therapist. By engaging in treatment for sexual anorexia, a person can begin to form healthy relationships and have a more fulfilling life.

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A Sex Addict Should Not Ignore These Behavioral Signs Of Their Partners

What is a sex addiction?

Sex addiction is a compulsive behavior by a person also known as sexual dependence. Sex dominates a person’s life and his daily activities. Sexual addicts make sex a priority more important than family, friends, and work. Sex becomes the organizing principle of addict's lives which makes them quit what they cherish the most due to their unhealthy behavior. The sex addiction is fatal, not only to the victim but to their spouse. Below mentioned are the behavioral traits of the spouse of a sex addict:

1. Denial

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  There are cases where the spouse knows that a person is a sex addict; still, she denies it completely. She knows that some of his partner's behavior is incorrect while socializing but to accept something like this is the hardest part. This will only lead to delay in the treatment and will add further to a damaging relationship.    

2. Blaming her own self

  Generally, when a made becomes a victim of sexual addiction, spouse blames her own self for not realizing it beforehand and stopping it. They feel they are to blame for the addict's behaviors (i.e. feeling like they're not attractive enough, sensitive enough, etc.) Nor disrupting the harmony of a family could be the reason of not confronting the victim.

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3. Fear of losing relationship

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Sometimes a person is so much in love with that person that they do not want to lose the relationship. Thus, they agree to compromise their moral values, which make their man an addict. After years of lies, deceit, and manipulation the spouse has no idea what "normal" behavior is or what to expect from the addict. In this situation, the spouse is hurt, traumatized, confused and may be fearful of losing the relationship.  

4. Shame

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The addict’s behavior could bring shame and hurt to the person. This could ruin your social image and people may start avoiding you. During this time period, any kind of sexual activity could be degrading, shaming, painful, and unpleasant. Thus, if you are a sexual addict, then see for sex addiction help from the Gentle Path at the Meadows. It is a sex addiction therapy centre which provides individual tailor-made therapies to the patients. So, do not pain yourself and your partner and let us help you.

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Pornography addiction could let you miss daily routine, let you miss out family gatherings; you could lose your relationship or all of the above. Helping someone change their behavior could be either rewarding or annoying and difficult. However to eliminate porn addiction is not impossible. Here are the few ways of pornography addiction help:

 1. Talk about the problems:

The initial treatment for porn addicts is to talk about the thing that makes them addicted to porn. Generally, a person suffers from shame and guilt about pornography and masturbation. Thus, talking to someone who you could trust can help. It will make you feel less guilty and first step towards healing.

 2. Avoid additional shame and guilt:

If a person confines someone with his secret, you should not misuse it against him or her. Instead of shouting at him or shaming him, listen and explain to him in polite words. Do not say, "What you are doing is shameful, just stop it or you will mess up your love life", instead just say, "If you will not do this, your life will be better. You will do much better. You yourself will see the positive changes”  

3. Help him develop self-assessment monitor:

You could help the victim do self-assessment and prepare the schedule for him. Tell him to follow that strictly and let him feel the changes but on his own. Once he becomes busy with his schedule, he will not have time for pornography and his addiction will change into healing.

4. Get physically active:

Engaging the victim of porn addiction into physical exercise like running, gymming, hiking or weight lifting or even yoga, it could be very helpful. These all types of work-out releases endorphin and shapes up your body. Once you engage yourself in these activities, your focus will change, you will be tired and you will have no time for pornography.

5. Last but the most important:

One of the most important ways to heal from porn addiction is The Gentle Path. It is health centre for healing sexual addictions like relationship issues, porn addiction, internet sex addiction, and other traumas and disorders.

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