By Marie Woods, LMFT, CSAT, Primary Therapist, Gentle Path at the Meadows
In light of some of the recent public disclosures of millions of
individuals’ personal indiscretions online, one question many people may
be asking is, “Would I really want to know?”
Based on the overwhelming amount of media coverage, it seems that
people do want to know—although, of course, most would prefer that there
isn’t anything to know, and that their partner doesn’t have any secrets
or unknown sexual behaviors.
What if your partner actually does have secrets, though? How much would you really like to know?
At Gentle Path at the Meadows, we are flooded with questions from
addicts and their partners about this. Addicts ask how much detail they
should share, and partners often don’t know whether having all the
details would be helpful or harmful.
The idea that a partner should know everything may seem obvious, but
considering the depth of betrayal that accompanies sex addiction, the
answer is not necessarily that clear. On the one hand, a partner needs
to know the truth in order to make an informed decision about how to
move forward with his or her life and the relationship. On the other
hand, knowing all of the details can sometimes create more traumas for
partners rather than assist in their healing.
Five Ways to Uncover the Truth and Begin Healing
Here are some of the guidelines that we use in helping addicts and partners share the truth while promoting healing:
1. Share information in the presence of professionals.In
the initial stages of recovery, most couples are too volatile to
process the discovery together. Couples should make their best effort to
seek professional guidance before “dumping” information on to their
partner. The disclosure sessions can include the addict sharing their
behaviors as well as the partner sharing their anger and frustration. A
professional therapist can create a safe container for information to be
appropriately shared.
2. Avoid disclosing new information without consulting with a therapist first.
As times goes on, more and more questions develop for both the addict and the partner, and the answers to these questions can be complex. When both individuals are so emotionally volatile (and often exhausted) having a therapist to navigate the situation alongside the couple can be helpful.
3. Recognize that knowing all of the details will not justify the behavior.Addiction
involves irrational behavior. The decisions that were made in the midst
of active addiction do not make sense in a rational state of mind. It
is likely that even when the partner has all of the details, it still
will not make sense. Rather than focusing on the details, partners
should focus instead on leaning into their feelings and taking care of
themselves.
4. Focus on themes rather than specifics.Partners
have a right to know the nature of the addict’s behavior in an effort
to ensure their physical and emotional safety. This includes things like
the potential for sexually transmitted diseases, anything that may have
occurred in the home with knowledge of the family, or financial impact.
This does not typically include things like names, graphic details of
pornography or sexual acts, or specific places where acting out may have
occurred. Those details create a mental picture in the partner’s mind
that cannot be erased, and could continue to leave them feeling
unnecessary pain.
5. Recognize that this is a slow process.It is
human nature to want to avoid pain and guilt. Partners want to stop
feeling pain as quickly as they can; Addicts want to get out of their
guilt and shame as quickly as they can. People often want to skip over
this part of the healing, but it is essential. Partners will need to
move through the stages of grief, including anger and pain, in order to
heal. Addicts will need to experience healthy levels of guilt and shame
to get into recovery. So while it may seem easier to “get it all out on
the table” right now, true growth and change is an evolving process.
Get the Support You Need
So, as a partner, before you go digging for more information to help
you understand “why they would do this,” and, as an addict, before you
decide that “if I just tell them everything then I won’t feel so bad,
and they will feel better” – think again. If you are the partner of an
addict, find some support: someone who, initially, can just hear you
vent. Take a step back, knowing that you are taking care of yourself by
not exposing yourself to more pain at a time when you are already
struggling. If you are an addict, know that you will need to share and
accept appropriate accountability for your behaviors when you are in a
mature place with healthy remorse. To prevent any further hurt and pain,
it is essential to do this in a very measured way, as described above.
The ultimate goal of this process is honesty and healing.
Gentle Path at The Meadows Can Help
In early 2016, Gentle Path at The Meadows will begin offering the
Discovery to Recovery: An Intensive Series for Couples Healing from Sex
Addiction at The Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows.
It is designed to help couples whose relationships have been shattered
by sex addiction to begin to pick up the pieces and reconnect. It offers
a full spectrum of services to help guide the pair from the early
stages of discovery to a life of recovery and renewed hope. For more
information call us at 800-244-4949.
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