Marie Woods, LMFT, CSAT
Primary Therapist, Gentle Path at the Meadows
When addressing an intimacy disorder such as sex addiction, one of the
biggest struggles patients face is the ability to be relational. In
fact, addressing these issues is at the very core of our program at
Gentle Path at the Meadows. The answer to many of our patient questions
in treatment are answered with strategies for being relational. For sex
addicts, and many others as well, this concept can seem foreign, so we
often use the following key points as a guideline for learning and
practicing the art of being relational.
Sharing Thoughts and Feelings Appropriately
First, being relational requires sharing thoughts, feelings, needs, and
wants appropriately. For many
sex addicts, this is a huge hurdle.
Perhaps they learned through various life experiences that their
thoughts and feelings weren’t valuable, so they have learned to keep
them to themselves, making it difficult for others to get to know them
and form relationships with them. Others may have learned that in order
for their thoughts and feelings to be heard, they had to be loud or
rage, possibly causing people to avoid being in a relationship with
them. One of the first steps to practicing healthy relational skills is
learning how to share thoughts and feelings in an appropriate way. This
includes speaking calmly, respectfully, and from the “I” position.
Letting Go of Resentment
The second step in practicing these skills is letting go of outcome and
resentments when we share. It can be easy to assume that once we share
our thoughts and feelings, others will listen, understand, or even
agree, but this is not always the case. Often the most difficult part of
sharing our thoughts and feelings is doing so without an underlying
agenda to manipulate or control.
It is important to remember that the point in sharing thoughts and
feelings is to practice intimacy, being known. When we share, it is
important to let go of how the information is received and know that we
have done our part.
Negotiation
What often comes next is negotiation. If we have been brave enough to
share our thoughts and feelings we may find ourselves in a conversation
with others that requires negotiation. Perhaps they disagree or have a
different perspective. Sometimes the discussion can simply be left at
that, and other times, within a relationship for example, there might
need to be a negotiation where both people feel heard and respected in
the ongoing relationship. This will likely require several rounds of the
first two steps followed by the next step.
Setting Boundaries
Following negotiation is the concept of setting boundaries in regards to
what is and is not acceptable in the relationship moving forward. This
really helps set the stage for building deeper connection with the other
person after having successfully navigated through a difficult moment.
Despite how hard this can be, it often helps develop trust and respect
between individuals thus a framework for a healthy relationship.
Developing Balanced Relationships
The idea behind this equation is not to over simplify the concept of
being relational, but rather to provide a basic framework to embark on
this process. The ability to be relational is at the very core of what
sex addicts struggle with. The steps above can seem terrifying, and thus
sex addicts may resort to other less intimate coping skills that leave
them isolated and lonely. The goal of practicing the relational skills
mentioned above is to develop a balanced, equal relationship between
individuals which is critical for deep rooted ongoing recovery. It is
through these relationships versus withdrawal and isolation that sex
addicts experience some of the most meaningful insights and healing.
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