Accepting the Past as an Asset in Recovery

By Aleah Johnson, The Meadows Alumni Coordinator
What if I were to tell you that all aspects of your past would be used as an asset? Would you believe it or would you instantly regret and want to change it?
I have a love/hate relationship with the word "acceptance." As a stubborn addict, I am not supposed to agree with everything, right?

What is Acceptance?

Acceptance is defined as "the act of taking or receiving something offered." Sometimes I really have to stop and take inventory of the things in my life, both personally and professionally and ask myself if I am fighting or if I am accepting.
One of the most crucial bits of advice I have learned in recovery is to accept my past as an asset. It is important to accept ourselves where we are on our journey and be able to leverage ourselves for good.
The past is a place or state of being in an earlier period of a one's life, career, etc., that might be thought of as shameful or embarrassing. We have all done things in our past that we may not be proud of— choosing to resist or deny our past only leads to more suffering. Acceptance allows us to live in the present moment and not "future trip" or worry about the past.
Resistance is often about control; the more we try to control our lives, the more out of control they get. Acceptance allows emotional balance and gives us the ability to accept people and things exactly as they are, even when we can't see the WHY or when we're not getting what we want.

Finding Serenity

Acceptance is a key solution to our problems. When we are disturbed, it is because we find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of life—unacceptable. We can find no serenity until we accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at that moment.
Until we accept ourselves, our situations and our life, on life's terms, we cannot be happy. We need not concentrate so much on what happens in the world as on what needs to be changed in ourselves and in our attitudes. (Page 417, The Big Book)
Early in my recovery, an old-timer in one of my first meetings told me, "You can make this as easy or as hard as you want, little lady, but ultimately the choice is up to you." I fully accepted this not only as a piece of advice but also as a challenge.
Nobody is perfect and everyone has battles and struggles; this is part of this amazing journey that we call life. Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. It is our job to accept all aspects, to start where we are, use what we have, and do what we can to make the best out of the life we have left.

Join The Meadows Alumni Association

If you are a graduate from any of The Meadows inpatient programs, The Meadows Intensive Outpatient program, any weeklong intensive workshop at the Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows, or a family member who attended Family Week, you are welcome to join The Meadows Alumni Association!
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The partner of a sex addict asks: “Why the lies and can they stop through recovery?”

By Heidi Kinsella, MA, LMHCA, NCC, ASAT
Family Counselor, Gentle Path at The Meadows

You find out that your husband has been having sex outside of your marriage. This has been going on for a while; you feel sick and like you’ve been run over by a truck. If this betrayal wasn’t bad enough, his elaborate lies and storytelling have left you doubting yourself. There are moments when you feel crazy. Even though he has been caught, he continues to lie! Unbelievable!! How is this possible? You are angry, betrayed, tired, and just want the craziness to stop! You say to yourself, “Even if I could forgive the affairs, I can’t live with the lying!!! Why doesn’t he understand that???”

I have heard this story over and over again while working with partners of sex addicts. Unfortunately, I have also lived this nightmare in my own life as part of my own journey which brought me into this field.

Why the lies and can they stop through recovery?

As sex addiction develops, the addict learns to compartmentalize his life. He has his life with his wife, family, friends, and work; that life is real. He loves his wife and kids and enjoys spending time with friends. The problem is, he has another life that has been made completely separate from his life with you. It is the life of his sex addiction.

This separate life is secret, and it must stay that way in order to protect his addiction. If anyone found out about his behaviors, his addiction would be threatened; if he were made to stop, he would feel as if he would die. He needs this behavior to live, yet the behavior is hurting him.

He feels so much shame for what he is doing, but yet, he can’t stop… He just keeps on going despite the shame, the pain, and the consequences. So, he creates a web of lies to protect the addiction which become an integral part of his addiction. The lies roll out of his mouth before he even realizes he is lying. He has become a master at deception.

Living with this aspect of sex addiction is confusing and very painful. Sex addicts are so good at lying that they can convince you that the sky is not blue and that you are crazy for thinking it is. We call this “crazy-making”, and it is. It leads us to feel crazy and doubt our sanity.

How do we address this at Gentle Path at The Meadows?

At Gentle Path at The Meadows, we shine a light on the addicts’ secrets and have them talk about the behaviors they thought they would take to their grave. When you talk about these things, it takes away the shame and allows the addiction to come out into the light where the healing can begin.

We realize our patients have created a secret life and lie to protect themselves, and we call them out on it. We push them to tell the truth and teach them that staying sexually sober and telling the truth are critical to earning the trust of their loved ones. They must tell the truth, no matter what. We teach them that they need to do what they say they are going to do – period. We let them know that sometimes the addict can stay sober sexually, but his marriage may still end because he can’t quit lying. Learning to tell the truth MUST be part of the recovery process.

I had a client once who promised not to deposit any checks without his wife present. A check came in the mail for $5.00, and he figured it would be okay to deposit it since it was such a small amount. Of course, when his wife found out about the deposit, she was livid because if he couldn’t be trusted on small matters, how could he be trusted on large matters? She was right. He needed to learn to honor his word in all areas.

The big question is: “How long does it take for my husband to quit lying?”

This question is difficult to answer because each addict’s process is slightly different. For some addicts, the lying flies off their tongues before they realize it. These individuals find themselves saying that they are at the grocery store when they are at an auto part store when they feel it doesn’t matter where they are. They will need to learn to know themselves and when they are about to lie, so they can stop themselves before it happens.

We teach strategies at Gentle Path at The Meadows, so our patients know when they are about to lie. With these skills, they are able to make the choice to tell the truth or to catch themselves quickly and correct the lie by saying, “I am sorry; that was a lie. I was at the auto part store.” Other addicts will catch themselves later in the day and then fess-up. We teach them the importance of coming clean about the lie, despite the consequence. If sex addicts are to stay sober, and if they are to earn their loved ones’ trust back, they must learn to tell the truth.

Contact Us Today

Every journey begins with one step. To learn more about the Gentle Path at The Meadows or if you have an immediate need, please call 855-333-6076.

Heidi Kinsella is a Family Counselor at Gentle Path at The Meadows working with the Sex Addiction population. She is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor Associate and an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist. She was trained through Patrick Carnes and IITAP's Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) program. Her passion is working with Partners of Sex Addicts in their own healing process and helping them find hope after sexual betrayal.

It’s Time to Take Porn Addiction Seriously

By Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, CSAT-S, CST-S, Senior Fellow at The Meadows
Is porn addiction real? These words have echoed throughout the sex addiction treatment community for years but are increasingly becoming faint traces as neuroscience points us in the direction of valid findings that suggest brain plasticity exists throughout the life span. These findings educate us to the fact that healthy brains can be significantly altered due to excessive internet pornography usage, rendering us ill.

A recent Time magazine article titled, “Porn and the Threat to Virility” set us straight with the answer to the above question through testimonials—not from the academic community, but from young males who have lived a porn-saturated life.

How Internet Porn Changes the Brain

Exposure to internet porn at a young age reams new neural pathways in the adolescent brain, undergoing major reconstruction due to hormonal levels spiking as boys make their way into manhood. Billions of new synaptic connections are made, making them vulnerable to wiring their brains to pornographic images, painting an unrealistic picture of sexuality and relationships.
Sadly, when faced with the opportunity to be sexual with a real human being, their expectations are dashed in comparison to the pixelated images in their brains; or worse, they find themselves impotent and unable to perform.

Using Porn as a Drug

Valid studies are cited in the Time magazine article, most notably from the University of Cambridge that reports porn may trigger compulsion in the brain of a sex addict much the way heroin triggers a drug addict. By correlating sex addiction with drug addiction, researchers have put to bed the long-standing argument that heavy use of porn is merely a sign of a "high sex drive." Far from it, says Dr. Valerie Voon, the study's main author.
"There is no question [these people] are suffering," she explains. "They are unable to control their behaviors."
And indeed, one of the most compelling findings was that younger patients were the most vulnerable to pornographic images, which stimulated their ventral striatum, the part of the brain that is responsible for reward-based decision-making. Although more data is needed, Voon suggests a relationship between excessive pornography consumption and erectile dysfunction in heavy porn using males. Overcoming Internet Porn Addiction
Despite the research, naysayers insist there’s no actual proof that the brain is negatively impacted by excessive internet pornography use and that the only sexual problem is the stigma attached to it. But this is like saying the solution for clients who complain about repeatedly losing relationships, or calling in sick to work due to out-of-control porn use is to not feel bad about it.
This line of thinking causes harm by serving to exile patients who want healing from sexual addiction. In fact, the subjective experiences of the men in the Time magazine article provide better evidence than scientific study does, even though it’s different. Mental health professionals who put their clients at the center of their work, and who leave the academic and political battles aside, successfully treat sex addicts in spite of twisted arguments and accusations that pornography and sex addiction are not real, or that treating them is “sex negative.”

Help is Available

If you are someone you know is struggling with internet porn addiction, don’t lose hope. They are well-qualified sex addiction therapists available who understand this disorder and will listen to you without judgment. Call us at 855-333-6076, or reach out to Gentle Path at The Meadows for more information.

March Madness and Gambling Addicts Are Often At Odds

We’re nearly halfway through NCAA® March Madness® tournament. The excitement is ramping up as the team in the Sweet Sixteen prepare for the next round. Those whose brackets aren’t already busted are anxiously waiting to see if their picks will help them reign supreme over their friends and co-workers, and maybe even allow them to take home a cash prize.

But some people—an estimated 6 million in fact— might instead be anxiously waiting for the tournament to be over. They are the people who struggle with pathological gambling addictions. For them, this time of year presents an overabundance of challenges and triggers. While many of us are cheering our teams on the road to the Final Four, they are fighting to stay on the road to recovery.

While participating in your friends’ or co-workers’ NCAA bracket pool doesn’t necessarily put you on the path to addiction, many problem gamblers did experience their first gambling-related rush from participating in a March Madness tournament bracket pool or purchasing a Super Bowl square. They are likely to have been introduced to these forms of gambling as teenagers by family members and middle school or high school classmates.

This may partially explain why the rate of gambling addiction is actually higher among young adults and adolescents. According to U.S. News and World Report, the rate of young adults addicted to gambling is up to four times as high as the adult rate, and 4 to 7 percent of college students meet the criteria for pathological gambling. However, it’s important to remember that gambling addiction can affect almost anyone, of any age, at any time—even if they are not entirely new to gambling.

Gambling Addiction and Its Consequences

Those who are addicted to gambling feel an uncontrollable urge to place bets, visit casinos, use Internet gambling sites, and/or buy lottery tickets in spite of the negative ways their behavior is affecting their lives and the lives of their loved ones. An untreated gambling disorder can lead to devastating personal debt and bankruptcies, and even prison time if the addicted person turns to stealing or fraud to support their gambling habits.

For those who are prone to addiction, gambling starts out as just another recreational activity but soon triggers strong, uncontrollable biological and psychological responses. Similarly to other forms of addiction, people who develop compulsive gambling behaviors tend to be those who feel disconnected in personal relationships, disconnected from a higher purpose, depressed, isolated and/or anxious. As a matter of fact, most pathological gamblers—68 percent, according to the Journal of Clinical Psychology—also have more than one addiction, often to alcohol and drugs. Another study found that people who struggle with both problem gambling and substance abuse were also more likely to have issues with sexual compulsivity and to have attempted suicide.

This suggests that gambling addiction can be a sign of a very complex set of intermingling behavioral health issues. If you or someone you know seems to be struggling with a gambling addiction, it’s important to seek out a high-quality, comprehensive treatment program right away.

Signs of Gambling Addiction and Treatment

The DSM-5 lists nine criteria for determining whether someone has a gambling disorder:

• Needs to gamble with increasing amounts of money to achieve the desired excitement.
• Is restless or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop gambling.
• Has made repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop gambling.
• Is often preoccupied with gambling (e.g., having persistent thoughts of reliving past gambling experiences, handicapping or planning the next venture, thinking of ways to get money with which to gamble).
• Often gambles when feeling distressed (e.g., helpless, guilty, anxious, depressed).
• After losing money gambling often returns another day to get even (“chasing” one’s losses).
• Lies to conceal the extent of involvement with gambling.
• Has jeopardized or lost a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of gambling.
• Relies on others to provide money to relieve desperate financial situations caused by gambling

Get Help For Gambling Addiction

Since gambling addiction so often coincides with one or more additional addictions—drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.—it’s important to seek a treatment program that can address multiple conditions at the same time. Our staff spends time with each patient to develop a highly-individualized treatment program based on a thorough assessment of his or her primary and secondary conditions, and on releasing the hidden trauma at the heart of them all. Call our intake coordinators today at 800-244-4949 or contact us online to find out if one of our Meadows Behavioral Healthcare programs is right for you.

Why Wasn’t I Enough? My Experience of Working with Partners of Sex Addicts

Finding out that your committed partner has sexually betrayed you is like: getting your heart ripped out, stomped on, thrown through a glass window, spit on, and perhaps lastly, smothered with gasoline and set on fire. Then, your partner asks you to forgive him or her; and you don't think you could ever be more furious and disgusted.
This is a common experience for the Partners of Sexual Addicts that I work with on a weekly basis at The Meadows. The stories and behaviors may be different but the underlying foundation of the damage is always Betrayal. Emotional, Physical, Sexual, and Financial betrayal is devastating and gut-wrenchingly painful for a partner who had dreams and hopes of having a healthy and committed relationship. Those dreams are now shattered and the Partner is left with the questions of "Why wasn't I enough?", "How could they do this to me?"; and "Where do I go from here?"

Sexual Addiction stems from a deep rooted intimacy and attachment disorder that often starts within childhood, teenage, or young adult years. Many of the patients I work with at The Meadows have been engaging in some type of dysfunctional, sexual fantasies, thoughts, and/or behaviors since they could remember, far before ever meeting their current partner or spouse. Sexual Addiction thrives off of Shame. Often times the addict's shame, due to their behaviors and lies, will be deflected or projected onto the partner and they are the ones that have to carry it.
Because sexuality and being sexual is so important and integral in intimate coupleships, when that is destroyed or taken outside the primary relationship, the partner has no choice but to take it personally and look at it as an attack on themselves and who they are or are not. Many spouses that I speak with will say to me, "Why wasn't I attractive enough, sexual enough, loved enough to keep him/her with me?" My message to them is: "If there is one thing I want you to learn this week, it is that this had nothing to do with what you have or have not done".
So if the partner did not cause the addiction and is not an addict themselves then why be a part of the patient's treatment and come to Family Week? I often hear from partners: "He is the sick one! He gets to go and get help and leave me here at home with the chaos and damage that he created! And now he is asking me to drop everything and come to Arizona for a week to help him?" My reply is: "Come here for YOU."
Within the Family Week program, partners are given resources and tools to start to stand on solid ground. Family Week is NOT about reconciliation, fixing the problem or hearing an excuse about why the patient acted out. The week long program is designed around boundary setting and healthy communication that allow the partner to be heard and protected.
Being betrayed will undoubtedly, for most partners, contribute to feelings of shame and worthlessness that creates a deep, dark wound within them. The Meadows and Pia Mellody define Trauma as "Anything less than nurturing". Sexual betrayal would obviously fit into this category based on the definition and many partners experience symptoms of trauma such as hypervigilance, despair, flashbacks and nightmares, among other experiences. The shame and trauma need to be addressed for the partner to start to heal that wound. Even if the partner decides to move on from that relationship he or she will continue to be plagued in life and through other relationships if not addressed.
Through my work at The Meadows, I have seen amazing growth and strength in men and women who thought that they could have never dug themselves out of the dark hole that sexual addiction created. Recovery work, for both the addict and partner, instills hope, perseverance, and self-worth that they thought they had lost. The Meadows Workshops such as Partners of Sex Addicts, Survivors, and Women's Intimacy Issues are great resources to help partners to gain awareness, understanding, and tools to help themselves and their families.
Lauren Bierman is a Family Counselor at the Meadows working with the Sex Addiction population. She is a Licensed Associate Counselor and has been trained through Patrick Carnes and IITAP's Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) program. Her passion is working with Partners of Sex Addicts in their own healing process and helping them find hope after sexual betrayal.

Come See Us at the Summit for Clinical Excellence

Senior Fellows at The Meadows Claudia Black, PhD, and Patrick Carnes, PhD, CAS, will be featured speakers at the upcoming Summit for Clinical Excellence, March 9 -12. The summit offers advanced clinical training for therapists and counselors with up to 26 Continuing Education Credits (CEUs) available.

The theme this year is “Freud Meet Buddha: Mindfulness, Trauma and Process Addictions.” . Dr. Black will give her keynote presentation, “ Reverberations of Trauma in the Addictive Family” on March 9. Dr. Carnes will present “The Secret of Life: The Meaning of Recovery” on March 11. Other sessions will cover topics such as…

• Brain-based therapy and PTSD;
• Mindfulness for Anxiety and Depression;
• Understanding Addiction Interaction,
• Compassion Practice and Empathy Training for Therapists,
• Turning Sexual Problems into Personal Growth;
• Contemplative Psychotherapy: Beginning with Oneself;
• and more.

The conference is co-hosted this year by The Claudia Black Young Adult Center at The Meadows, and Gentle Path at The Meadows. To register, go www.bfisummit.com.

Join us for 11th Annual IITAP Symposium

As a certified treatment partner with the International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals (IITAP), we’re looking forward to this year’s IITAP Symposium, and we hope you are too!

IITAP offers premier training and cutting-edge educational resources for practitioners who treat people with addictive and compulsive sexual behaviors. Their CSAT® (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) program is one of the most highly regarded programs of its kind, offering a complete group of training, products and services to help behavioral health professionals enhance their practices.

Sex Addiction Symposium for Mental Health Professionals

Each year at the IITAP Symposium, members of the professional community gather to share ideas and learn of the latest research in sex addiction. In order to attend the Symposium, you must be a member of the IITAP Community, having completed at least one CSAT-module training. This year’s symposium will be held at the Pointe Hilton Squaw Peak Resort in sunny Phoenix, Arizona, Feb. 18 – 20. Gentle Path at The Meadows is a co-sponsor of the event and several members or our staff will be presenting.

Presentations by Gentle Path Staff

Thursday, February 18:
Alexandra Katehakis, Senior Fellow for Gentle Path at The Meadows will present Mirror of Intimacy: Loving Deeply Begins with Loving Yourself at a Lunch and Learn Event. (Pre-registration is required.) Then, later that afternoon, she’ll present Love and Play: Therapeutic Action and the Integration of Self.

Friday, February 19:
Gentle Path Senior Fellow Dr. Patrick Carnes will kick off the day’s events with a keynote address. Later in the day, Dr. Isabel Nino de Guzman will present Sex Addiction and Dual Diagnosis Case Management, and Dr. Monica Meyer, Clinical Director of Gentle Path at The Meadows will present on Asphyxiation, Bondage & Cuckoldry: Sadomasochistic Behaviors in Sexual Addiction.

Register

Professionals can earn up to 18 CEUs, with courses being offered as both ethics and supervision credits. Visit the IITAP website for more information and register today!