Withholding Sex Is a Form of Psychological Abuse

Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, CSAT, CST is a Senior Fellow at Gentle Path at The Meadows. The following is an excerpt from her book “Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence.” You can find it at www.TheMeadowsBookstore.com or on www.Amazon.com.

Withholding love or sex is psychological abuse and results from early trauma. Withholding is altogether different from not having sex or not reciprocating love. People don’t have sex for many reasons. They might be traumatized. They might suffer from sexual dysfunction. They might be practicing self-care and setting appropriate boundaries for them. They might even be engaging in the political act of a sex strike in an effort to enact social change. There are equally many reasons why people might not reciprocate love. But to withhold sex or love as a punishment is a different matter altogether, and is always the result of learned emotional or mental abuse. Manipulating loved ones might appear to be a thought-out strategy, but it’s always compulsive.
Withholding exemplifies how deeply we hurt ourselves when we try to hurt others, and how deeply hurt so many of us have been. The phrase, “This hurts me more than it hurts you” (commonly uttered before corporeal punishment), is actually true. A caregiver doling out physical pain literally experiences the punishment along with the person they are hurting. Unfortunately s/he is also reinforcing a psychological pattern that brings psychic agony and isolation. Likewise, those who purposefully withhold love or sex certainly feel the pain of isolation from their actions.
Like any addiction or compulsion, such habitual behavior doesn’t just disappear. Because withholding is often masked in denial, it can be difficult to confront. Withholding is a very human quality; most of us at one time have given and received “the silent treatment.” Since most solutions to human troubles involve caring, attention, and love, to withhold means to deny solutions. Such withholding is probably a leading factor in many personal, social, and global conflicts.

Help for Sex Addiction and Intimacy Issues

If you’re a man who’s struggling with sexual compulsions or intimacy issues, the Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows offers 5-day workshops which may help you break free from self destructive behaviors and strengthen your relationship with your partner or spouse. The Men’s Sexual Recovery Workshop helps participants to address sexual obsessions and compulsions, broaden their views about sexuality, maintain positive relationships and avoid the harmful patterns of the past.
In A Man’s Way™ Retreat you learn how The Man Rules™ affect all your relationships with others and yourself. You will also look at how past experiences affect your ability to be present in your relationships and stand as a healthy man in the space you have created for your life.
And, for those who need a more comprehensive treatment experience for complex sexual addiction and intimacy issues, The Meadows Outpatient Center offers a Sex Addiction Intensive Outpatient Program, and Gentle Path at the Meadows offers a 45-day inpatient treatment program based on the work of world-renowned expert Dr. Patrick Carnes, who is also a Senior Fellow at The Meadows.
For more information on these programs and many others call The Meadows at 800-244-4949.

Patrick Carnes Awarded Fulbright for Sex Addiction Research

Congratulations to Patrick Carnes, PhD, Senior Fellow and clinical architect at Gentle Path at The Meadows. He has received the prestigious 2016-2017 Fulbright - Canada - Palix Foundation award in Brain Science with additional support from The American Foundation For Addiction Research (AFAR).

Dr. Carnes now joins the ranks of the many Nobel Prize winners and Pulitzer Prize winners and other distinguished scholars who have received this award. He will also serve as a Distinguished Visiting Chair at the University of Alberta in 2017.
He will use his award to conduct a groundbreaking and unprecedented research study into the genetic factors associated with sexual addiction. More than 1,000 people (500 sex addicts and 500 non-addicts) from various centers across the U.S. and Canada will take part in the study. The study seeks to answer the following questions:

• What genes are linked to sexual addiction?
• How do these genes compare to the genes linked to alcoholism and drug addiction?
• Are there specific clusters of genes that predispose sexual addicts to behave in certain ways? In other words, can we predict whether an addict will become compulsive about adultery or pornography or voyeurism, etc.?
• What psychological disorders are linked to the different types of sexual addiction? For example, if a person is anti-social, is he more likely to compulsively pay for sex, engage in voyeurism, or pursue anonymous sex?

A full-genome genetic analysis of all participants will be conducted via saliva specimens. Advanced statistical techniques will be used to identify the genes that are linked to various types of sexual addiction, and to link genetic patterns to psychopathology and sexual addiction type.
This study could lead to many exciting developments that would vastly improve treatment and access to treatment for those who struggle with sex addiction. It could, for example:

• Lead to a screening tool for those with a sexual addiction, much like those available for alcoholism.
• Show definitively that sex addiction involves the same brain pathways as other addictions.
• Facilitate coverage of sex addiction and reimbursement or treatment by health insurance companies
• Reduce stigma and lead to more prompt and effective treatments for those who are struggling with the disorder.

Please join us in congratulating Dr. Carnes and in supporting his efforts to lead us to a greater understanding of sex addiction and an improved ability to offer effective treatments for those whose lives have been shattered by the disorder.


 https://goo.gl/ILa4JH

The Impact of Childhood Sexual Abuse on Adult Sexuality

By Cassandra Rustvold, LMSW, MEd, Trauma Therapist at Gentle Path at the Meadows
Childhood sexual abuse (CSA) has the potential to transform the trajectory of one’s life in a multitude of ways. While the effects of childhood sexual abuse are largely individualized and can manifest at different points throughout the lifespan, commonly reported symptoms and long-term effects include dissociation, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, self-harm, relationship difficulties, and addictive or compulsive patterns of behavior (Aaron, 2012).

The sexual functioning and sexual identity in adolescence and adulthood is a particularly vulnerable factor in survivors. When a child suffers sexual abuse, sexual arousal becomes activated prematurely and can largely impact the survivor’s sense of autonomy over their body and sexual sense of self (Roller, Martsolf, Draucker & Ross, 2009).
It can also draw early connections in the neural networks of the child’s brain that associates sex with power, fear, shame, confusion, secrecy and/or pain. It is not difficult to imagine why those whose sexuality has been impacted are more vulnerable to struggles with intimate relationships and sexuality.
When attempting to reconcile one’s abuse, a particularly confusing component for survivors of CSA is the experience of pleasurable physiological responses to their abuse, in conjunction with their emotional and psychological distress. Children who have experienced these positive and pleasurable feelings often report feelings of shame and responsibility tied to their abuse and sexuality, and may experience an overall distrust of their bodily reactions (such as arousal) or physical dissociation (Hunter, 1990 & Long, Burnett & Thomas, 2006).
This fusion of shame, secrecy and pleasure has the potential to predispose one to sexual aversion, sexual anorexia, dysfunction, or compulsion; thereby deterring them from developing healthy sexual scripts in adulthood.

The Link Between Sexual Abuse and Sex Addiction

Three commonly experienced symptoms of childhood sexual abuse are also cornerstones of sexual addiction: compulsivity (the inability to control one’s behavior), shame, and despair.
In sex addiction, shame and despair act as a precursor to the beginning of future cycles, where the need to keep emotional pain at bay leads to mental preoccupation as an escape. The result of this addictive cycle often includes isolation, anxiety, alienation from loved ones, a breaking of one’s own value system, and secrecy; all things that often increase feelings of despair and a yearning to escape and repeat the cycle.
When an individual is struggling with intrusive thoughts of their sexual abuse or insidious negative self-talk as a result of their abuse, the lure of escape through addictive patterns of behavior is not only compelling but sometimes a means of psychological preservation.
In Dr. Patrick Carnes’ book The Betrayal Bond, eight trauma responses common among individuals who meet the criteria for sexual addiction are identified: trauma reactions, trauma pleasure, trauma blocking, trauma splitting, trauma abstinence, trauma shame, trauma repetition, and trauma bonding.
These patterns of behaviors are often unconscious attempts to reconcile, reframe, or repair the abuse that happened in youth. Unfortunately, they do not always accomplish this task and can result in perpetuated psychological and emotional damage.

The Role of Gender

Gender differences also appear to play a role in how these difficulties manifest in adulthood and whether or not someone will seek out help.
Even in 2016, boys and men are still provided with narrow cultural and familial messages about what it means to be a masculine. This narrative includes such things as devaluing emotional expression and vulnerability, while prioritizing promiscuity and maintaining control.
Research has found that male survivors are less likely to report or discuss their trauma and more likely to externalize their responses to childhood sexual abuse by engaging in compulsive sexual behaviors (Aaron, 2012). For a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse, these expectations are in large conflict with the need to shatter the secrecy of their trauma and/or obtain and maintain healthy sexual relationships; both of which require an open and honest dialogue.

Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse and Redefining Your Sexuality

For men struggling with childhood sexual abuse and sexual addiction, learning to abstain from problematic sexual behaviors that reinforce abusive sexual scripts is just as important as learning how to develop healthy intimate bonds and create a sexual identity that is affirming.
For someone attempting to face these complex issues the importance of having acceptance and unconditional, non-judgmental support cannot be understated. It is the abusive and negative interpersonal interactions that created the pain and it is the supportive and affirming ones that have the power to lift it.
At Gentle Path at The Meadows, we specialize in creating this space while offering a host of trauma-based services that are informed by the most current understanding of the nature of trauma and its impact on the person as a whole. Additionally, the therapeutic focus at Gentle Path includes not only learning to identify which components of one’s sexuality are subtracting from the quality of their life but also identifying or creating ones to enrich it.
Give us a call today at 800-244-4949.

References

Aaron, M. (2012). The pathways of problematic sexual behavior: a literature review of factors affecting adult sexual behavior in survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 19(3), p. 199-218.
Carnes, P. (1997). The Betrayal Bond. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data.
Hunter, M. (1990). Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data.
Long, L. L., Burnett, J. A., & Thomas, R. V. (2006). Sexuality counseling: An integrative approach. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson/Merrill Prentice Hall.
Roller, Martsolf, Draucker & Ross (2009). The sexuality of childhood sexual abuse survivors. International Journal of Sexual Health, 21, p. 49-60.

What Is Pornography Addiction?

Lauren Timmermans, LAC, MBA, CSAT
Primary Therapist, Gentle Path at the Meadows
The viewing of pornography can absolutely exist comfortably within a relationship in which both partners have discussed usage openly and find their relationship pleasing and gratifying. Of the large number of people who view pornography at some point in their lives, only a small percentage of those individuals become addicted. For those who are addicted, pornography is a compulsion in which the individual has become powerless in the face of the “drug” and their lives have become unmanageable.

In 2008, the Internet Filter Learning Center estimated that 12 percent of the Internet consists of pornographic images or videos. Through its accessibility, affordability, and anonymity, internet pornography has increasingly attracted a wider audience. Studies have shown that an estimated 50 percent of all Internet traffic is related to sex or sexual images. Additionally, 13 percent of the United States population consumes pornography regularly; 75 percent of the viewers are male.

Three Types of Pornography Users

Dr. Carnes identifies three types of cybersex and online pornography users:
Recreational users consist of those who watch pornography in ways that are both appropriate and inappropriate, satisfy curiosity, and for educational and exploration purposes.
At-risk users are more vulnerable to compulsion, depression or stress-induced viewing. Often times, this individual is able to resist until exposed to pornography.
Sexually compulsive users are typically viewing 11 or more hours of pornography a week and have established a compulsive pattern that could be making their lives unmanageable.
Watching pornography creates an emotional bond with an artificial word. That makes it increasingly difficult to bond with real people in everyday life. It can also lead to a life where sex is void of intimacy. Sex becomes about the behavior and not about the emotion, nurturance, intimacy, and love we get through a true connection with a partner.
Another side effect that has become more evident in recent years is the escalation of the viewing. An individual can begin to view themes or genres they may once not have considered in order to get the same dopamine hit they got when they initially started watching pornography.

Signs That Your Pornography Use is Problematic

How do you know if you or a loved one potentially has a problem? Read through this list and keep track of how many resonate:

1. Preoccupation with pornography on the Internet.
2. Frequently engaging in pornography, engaging in it for prolonged periods of time, or engaging in it for longer than intended.
3. Repeated unsuccessful efforts to control or stop viewing pornography.
4. Restlessness or irritability when attempting to limit or stop engaging in pornography on the Internet.
5. Using pornography on the Internet as a way to escape from problems or to relieve feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety or depression.
6. Returning to pornography on the Internet day after day in search of increasingly more intense sexual content
7. Lying to family members, therapists, or other to conceal consumption of pornography
8. Committing illegal sexual acts in the viewing of pornography (viewing underage pornography or soliciting illegal behaviors.)
9. Jeopardizing or losing significant relationships, jobs, or education because of pornography viewing behaviors
10. Incurring financial consequences due to pornographic viewing.

Pornography Addiction Help

If you or your loved one identifies with three or more of these behaviors, it may be worth addressing with a behavioral health professional, particularly a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT). By seeking help, individuals who identify with these characteristics can make positive changes to their personal relationships, realign with their higher power, regain time that was spent on addiction, and engage more fully in life. Also, feel free to give one of the Gentle Path at The Meadows Intake coordinators a call at 855-333-6076  or contact us to find out if an inpatient sex addiction treatment program might be right for you.

Accepting the Past as an Asset in Recovery

By Aleah Johnson, The Meadows Alumni Coordinator
What if I were to tell you that all aspects of your past would be used as an asset? Would you believe it or would you instantly regret and want to change it?
I have a love/hate relationship with the word "acceptance." As a stubborn addict, I am not supposed to agree with everything, right?

What is Acceptance?

Acceptance is defined as "the act of taking or receiving something offered." Sometimes I really have to stop and take inventory of the things in my life, both personally and professionally and ask myself if I am fighting or if I am accepting.
One of the most crucial bits of advice I have learned in recovery is to accept my past as an asset. It is important to accept ourselves where we are on our journey and be able to leverage ourselves for good.
The past is a place or state of being in an earlier period of a one's life, career, etc., that might be thought of as shameful or embarrassing. We have all done things in our past that we may not be proud of— choosing to resist or deny our past only leads to more suffering. Acceptance allows us to live in the present moment and not "future trip" or worry about the past.
Resistance is often about control; the more we try to control our lives, the more out of control they get. Acceptance allows emotional balance and gives us the ability to accept people and things exactly as they are, even when we can't see the WHY or when we're not getting what we want.

Finding Serenity

Acceptance is a key solution to our problems. When we are disturbed, it is because we find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of life—unacceptable. We can find no serenity until we accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at that moment.
Until we accept ourselves, our situations and our life, on life's terms, we cannot be happy. We need not concentrate so much on what happens in the world as on what needs to be changed in ourselves and in our attitudes. (Page 417, The Big Book)
Early in my recovery, an old-timer in one of my first meetings told me, "You can make this as easy or as hard as you want, little lady, but ultimately the choice is up to you." I fully accepted this not only as a piece of advice but also as a challenge.
Nobody is perfect and everyone has battles and struggles; this is part of this amazing journey that we call life. Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. It is our job to accept all aspects, to start where we are, use what we have, and do what we can to make the best out of the life we have left.

Join The Meadows Alumni Association

If you are a graduate from any of The Meadows inpatient programs, The Meadows Intensive Outpatient program, any weeklong intensive workshop at the Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows, or a family member who attended Family Week, you are welcome to join The Meadows Alumni Association!
Sign up today to receive our monthly email newsletter and to be kept up-to-date on any relevant, recovery-related news and events in your area.

The partner of a sex addict asks: “Why the lies and can they stop through recovery?”

By Heidi Kinsella, MA, LMHCA, NCC, ASAT
Family Counselor, Gentle Path at The Meadows

You find out that your husband has been having sex outside of your marriage. This has been going on for a while; you feel sick and like you’ve been run over by a truck. If this betrayal wasn’t bad enough, his elaborate lies and storytelling have left you doubting yourself. There are moments when you feel crazy. Even though he has been caught, he continues to lie! Unbelievable!! How is this possible? You are angry, betrayed, tired, and just want the craziness to stop! You say to yourself, “Even if I could forgive the affairs, I can’t live with the lying!!! Why doesn’t he understand that???”

I have heard this story over and over again while working with partners of sex addicts. Unfortunately, I have also lived this nightmare in my own life as part of my own journey which brought me into this field.

Why the lies and can they stop through recovery?

As sex addiction develops, the addict learns to compartmentalize his life. He has his life with his wife, family, friends, and work; that life is real. He loves his wife and kids and enjoys spending time with friends. The problem is, he has another life that has been made completely separate from his life with you. It is the life of his sex addiction.

This separate life is secret, and it must stay that way in order to protect his addiction. If anyone found out about his behaviors, his addiction would be threatened; if he were made to stop, he would feel as if he would die. He needs this behavior to live, yet the behavior is hurting him.

He feels so much shame for what he is doing, but yet, he can’t stop… He just keeps on going despite the shame, the pain, and the consequences. So, he creates a web of lies to protect the addiction which become an integral part of his addiction. The lies roll out of his mouth before he even realizes he is lying. He has become a master at deception.

Living with this aspect of sex addiction is confusing and very painful. Sex addicts are so good at lying that they can convince you that the sky is not blue and that you are crazy for thinking it is. We call this “crazy-making”, and it is. It leads us to feel crazy and doubt our sanity.

How do we address this at Gentle Path at The Meadows?

At Gentle Path at The Meadows, we shine a light on the addicts’ secrets and have them talk about the behaviors they thought they would take to their grave. When you talk about these things, it takes away the shame and allows the addiction to come out into the light where the healing can begin.

We realize our patients have created a secret life and lie to protect themselves, and we call them out on it. We push them to tell the truth and teach them that staying sexually sober and telling the truth are critical to earning the trust of their loved ones. They must tell the truth, no matter what. We teach them that they need to do what they say they are going to do – period. We let them know that sometimes the addict can stay sober sexually, but his marriage may still end because he can’t quit lying. Learning to tell the truth MUST be part of the recovery process.

I had a client once who promised not to deposit any checks without his wife present. A check came in the mail for $5.00, and he figured it would be okay to deposit it since it was such a small amount. Of course, when his wife found out about the deposit, she was livid because if he couldn’t be trusted on small matters, how could he be trusted on large matters? She was right. He needed to learn to honor his word in all areas.

The big question is: “How long does it take for my husband to quit lying?”

This question is difficult to answer because each addict’s process is slightly different. For some addicts, the lying flies off their tongues before they realize it. These individuals find themselves saying that they are at the grocery store when they are at an auto part store when they feel it doesn’t matter where they are. They will need to learn to know themselves and when they are about to lie, so they can stop themselves before it happens.

We teach strategies at Gentle Path at The Meadows, so our patients know when they are about to lie. With these skills, they are able to make the choice to tell the truth or to catch themselves quickly and correct the lie by saying, “I am sorry; that was a lie. I was at the auto part store.” Other addicts will catch themselves later in the day and then fess-up. We teach them the importance of coming clean about the lie, despite the consequence. If sex addicts are to stay sober, and if they are to earn their loved ones’ trust back, they must learn to tell the truth.

Contact Us Today

Every journey begins with one step. To learn more about the Gentle Path at The Meadows or if you have an immediate need, please call 855-333-6076.

Heidi Kinsella is a Family Counselor at Gentle Path at The Meadows working with the Sex Addiction population. She is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor Associate and an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist. She was trained through Patrick Carnes and IITAP's Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) program. Her passion is working with Partners of Sex Addicts in their own healing process and helping them find hope after sexual betrayal.

It’s Time to Take Porn Addiction Seriously

By Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, CSAT-S, CST-S, Senior Fellow at The Meadows
Is porn addiction real? These words have echoed throughout the sex addiction treatment community for years but are increasingly becoming faint traces as neuroscience points us in the direction of valid findings that suggest brain plasticity exists throughout the life span. These findings educate us to the fact that healthy brains can be significantly altered due to excessive internet pornography usage, rendering us ill.

A recent Time magazine article titled, “Porn and the Threat to Virility” set us straight with the answer to the above question through testimonials—not from the academic community, but from young males who have lived a porn-saturated life.

How Internet Porn Changes the Brain

Exposure to internet porn at a young age reams new neural pathways in the adolescent brain, undergoing major reconstruction due to hormonal levels spiking as boys make their way into manhood. Billions of new synaptic connections are made, making them vulnerable to wiring their brains to pornographic images, painting an unrealistic picture of sexuality and relationships.
Sadly, when faced with the opportunity to be sexual with a real human being, their expectations are dashed in comparison to the pixelated images in their brains; or worse, they find themselves impotent and unable to perform.

Using Porn as a Drug

Valid studies are cited in the Time magazine article, most notably from the University of Cambridge that reports porn may trigger compulsion in the brain of a sex addict much the way heroin triggers a drug addict. By correlating sex addiction with drug addiction, researchers have put to bed the long-standing argument that heavy use of porn is merely a sign of a "high sex drive." Far from it, says Dr. Valerie Voon, the study's main author.
"There is no question [these people] are suffering," she explains. "They are unable to control their behaviors."
And indeed, one of the most compelling findings was that younger patients were the most vulnerable to pornographic images, which stimulated their ventral striatum, the part of the brain that is responsible for reward-based decision-making. Although more data is needed, Voon suggests a relationship between excessive pornography consumption and erectile dysfunction in heavy porn using males. Overcoming Internet Porn Addiction
Despite the research, naysayers insist there’s no actual proof that the brain is negatively impacted by excessive internet pornography use and that the only sexual problem is the stigma attached to it. But this is like saying the solution for clients who complain about repeatedly losing relationships, or calling in sick to work due to out-of-control porn use is to not feel bad about it.
This line of thinking causes harm by serving to exile patients who want healing from sexual addiction. In fact, the subjective experiences of the men in the Time magazine article provide better evidence than scientific study does, even though it’s different. Mental health professionals who put their clients at the center of their work, and who leave the academic and political battles aside, successfully treat sex addicts in spite of twisted arguments and accusations that pornography and sex addiction are not real, or that treating them is “sex negative.”

Help is Available

If you are someone you know is struggling with internet porn addiction, don’t lose hope. They are well-qualified sex addiction therapists available who understand this disorder and will listen to you without judgment. Call us at 855-333-6076, or reach out to Gentle Path at The Meadows for more information.