The partner of a sex addict asks: “Why the lies and can they stop through recovery?”

By Heidi Kinsella, MA, LMHCA, NCC, ASAT
Family Counselor, Gentle Path at The Meadows

You find out that your husband has been having sex outside of your marriage. This has been going on for a while; you feel sick and like you’ve been run over by a truck. If this betrayal wasn’t bad enough, his elaborate lies and storytelling have left you doubting yourself. There are moments when you feel crazy. Even though he has been caught, he continues to lie! Unbelievable!! How is this possible? You are angry, betrayed, tired, and just want the craziness to stop! You say to yourself, “Even if I could forgive the affairs, I can’t live with the lying!!! Why doesn’t he understand that???”

I have heard this story over and over again while working with partners of sex addicts. Unfortunately, I have also lived this nightmare in my own life as part of my own journey which brought me into this field.

Why the lies and can they stop through recovery?

As sex addiction develops, the addict learns to compartmentalize his life. He has his life with his wife, family, friends, and work; that life is real. He loves his wife and kids and enjoys spending time with friends. The problem is, he has another life that has been made completely separate from his life with you. It is the life of his sex addiction.

This separate life is secret, and it must stay that way in order to protect his addiction. If anyone found out about his behaviors, his addiction would be threatened; if he were made to stop, he would feel as if he would die. He needs this behavior to live, yet the behavior is hurting him.

He feels so much shame for what he is doing, but yet, he can’t stop… He just keeps on going despite the shame, the pain, and the consequences. So, he creates a web of lies to protect the addiction which become an integral part of his addiction. The lies roll out of his mouth before he even realizes he is lying. He has become a master at deception.

Living with this aspect of sex addiction is confusing and very painful. Sex addicts are so good at lying that they can convince you that the sky is not blue and that you are crazy for thinking it is. We call this “crazy-making”, and it is. It leads us to feel crazy and doubt our sanity.

How do we address this at Gentle Path at The Meadows?

At Gentle Path at The Meadows, we shine a light on the addicts’ secrets and have them talk about the behaviors they thought they would take to their grave. When you talk about these things, it takes away the shame and allows the addiction to come out into the light where the healing can begin.

We realize our patients have created a secret life and lie to protect themselves, and we call them out on it. We push them to tell the truth and teach them that staying sexually sober and telling the truth are critical to earning the trust of their loved ones. They must tell the truth, no matter what. We teach them that they need to do what they say they are going to do – period. We let them know that sometimes the addict can stay sober sexually, but his marriage may still end because he can’t quit lying. Learning to tell the truth MUST be part of the recovery process.

I had a client once who promised not to deposit any checks without his wife present. A check came in the mail for $5.00, and he figured it would be okay to deposit it since it was such a small amount. Of course, when his wife found out about the deposit, she was livid because if he couldn’t be trusted on small matters, how could he be trusted on large matters? She was right. He needed to learn to honor his word in all areas.

The big question is: “How long does it take for my husband to quit lying?”

This question is difficult to answer because each addict’s process is slightly different. For some addicts, the lying flies off their tongues before they realize it. These individuals find themselves saying that they are at the grocery store when they are at an auto part store when they feel it doesn’t matter where they are. They will need to learn to know themselves and when they are about to lie, so they can stop themselves before it happens.

We teach strategies at Gentle Path at The Meadows, so our patients know when they are about to lie. With these skills, they are able to make the choice to tell the truth or to catch themselves quickly and correct the lie by saying, “I am sorry; that was a lie. I was at the auto part store.” Other addicts will catch themselves later in the day and then fess-up. We teach them the importance of coming clean about the lie, despite the consequence. If sex addicts are to stay sober, and if they are to earn their loved ones’ trust back, they must learn to tell the truth.

Contact Us Today

Every journey begins with one step. To learn more about the Gentle Path at The Meadows or if you have an immediate need, please call 855-333-6076.

Heidi Kinsella is a Family Counselor at Gentle Path at The Meadows working with the Sex Addiction population. She is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor Associate and an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist. She was trained through Patrick Carnes and IITAP's Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) program. Her passion is working with Partners of Sex Addicts in their own healing process and helping them find hope after sexual betrayal.

It’s Time to Take Porn Addiction Seriously

By Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, CSAT-S, CST-S, Senior Fellow at The Meadows
Is porn addiction real? These words have echoed throughout the sex addiction treatment community for years but are increasingly becoming faint traces as neuroscience points us in the direction of valid findings that suggest brain plasticity exists throughout the life span. These findings educate us to the fact that healthy brains can be significantly altered due to excessive internet pornography usage, rendering us ill.

A recent Time magazine article titled, “Porn and the Threat to Virility” set us straight with the answer to the above question through testimonials—not from the academic community, but from young males who have lived a porn-saturated life.

How Internet Porn Changes the Brain

Exposure to internet porn at a young age reams new neural pathways in the adolescent brain, undergoing major reconstruction due to hormonal levels spiking as boys make their way into manhood. Billions of new synaptic connections are made, making them vulnerable to wiring their brains to pornographic images, painting an unrealistic picture of sexuality and relationships.
Sadly, when faced with the opportunity to be sexual with a real human being, their expectations are dashed in comparison to the pixelated images in their brains; or worse, they find themselves impotent and unable to perform.

Using Porn as a Drug

Valid studies are cited in the Time magazine article, most notably from the University of Cambridge that reports porn may trigger compulsion in the brain of a sex addict much the way heroin triggers a drug addict. By correlating sex addiction with drug addiction, researchers have put to bed the long-standing argument that heavy use of porn is merely a sign of a "high sex drive." Far from it, says Dr. Valerie Voon, the study's main author.
"There is no question [these people] are suffering," she explains. "They are unable to control their behaviors."
And indeed, one of the most compelling findings was that younger patients were the most vulnerable to pornographic images, which stimulated their ventral striatum, the part of the brain that is responsible for reward-based decision-making. Although more data is needed, Voon suggests a relationship between excessive pornography consumption and erectile dysfunction in heavy porn using males. Overcoming Internet Porn Addiction
Despite the research, naysayers insist there’s no actual proof that the brain is negatively impacted by excessive internet pornography use and that the only sexual problem is the stigma attached to it. But this is like saying the solution for clients who complain about repeatedly losing relationships, or calling in sick to work due to out-of-control porn use is to not feel bad about it.
This line of thinking causes harm by serving to exile patients who want healing from sexual addiction. In fact, the subjective experiences of the men in the Time magazine article provide better evidence than scientific study does, even though it’s different. Mental health professionals who put their clients at the center of their work, and who leave the academic and political battles aside, successfully treat sex addicts in spite of twisted arguments and accusations that pornography and sex addiction are not real, or that treating them is “sex negative.”

Help is Available

If you are someone you know is struggling with internet porn addiction, don’t lose hope. They are well-qualified sex addiction therapists available who understand this disorder and will listen to you without judgment. Call us at 855-333-6076, or reach out to Gentle Path at The Meadows for more information.